Can you really be friends with your ex?

Well, everyone, I’m here to answer the age-old question: Can you be friends with your ex?

Now, this should be added to the list of things not to discuss at family functions because I’m sure we all have very strong opinions on this. I must admit that I’m not entirely sure myself of what the right answer is. In fact, I’m going to argue that like most things, this is circumstantial.

First things first, before you head down any type of friendship route, you must first determine why you want to be friends. According to a 2017 study, there are four main reasons why you might want to maintain some sort of relationship with your ex.

The first is practicality. Let’s be honest, if you share an apartment, you’re going to have to talk about how the glasses and silverware should be split up.

The second is civility. Perhaps you work together, or simply just realized you were never meant to be anything more than friends.

The third one is emotional security, which can be both personal and professional.

The last one being, and we all knew it was coming, is unresolved romantic desires. I hate to break it to you, girly, but if you answered yes to number three or four, it’s time to hit the mute button and cut them loose from your life.

Now, I’m sure everyone out there who wants to be friends and knows they shouldn’t be is justifying it as the ultimate sign of maturity. Yes, girl, I’m calling you out. Trust me, I get it. Breakups suck. Weekly Wednesday night dinners are now a table for one. Certain songs are immediately skipped in the car. Not to mention you’re halfway through a TV series you cannot even think about finishing without bursting into tears. However, staying friends is only going to prolong this icky feeling, so you gotta just rip the bandaid off, go cold turkey and sit in the uncomfortable loneliness in order to truly come out the other side internalizing the lessons learned.

Whether or not you’re going to try to maintain a relationship with them, no matter the circumstance I truly do believe, a no contact period is a must. Even if the relationship didn’t end in a flaming dumpster fire hanging off the side of the cliff, space and time gives clarity, and while I will never admit this to my mother, time also does heal. I’m not saying you have to be completely over them, but you should be at a point of forgiveness and neutrality before trying to establish and maintain some sort of relationship.

This rings true, even if you aren’t trying to be best buddies with them either. While it can feel good to make them a villain in your story, it’s important to acknowledge the part you played in the ending of the relationship, thank them for the good they did provide and move on with an open heart. It’s cliche, but life is too short to hold a grudge. And while you may no longer be seeing them, you will not be open to another loving relationship while you’re busy hating them.

Now onto if you are attempting a relationship. In order to be successful, boundaries will be the name of the game. Unfortunately, I cannot set these for you and there is no prescribed list, but I will say this: Do not give them all the benefits of a relationship without the label in your newfound friendship. They cannot have their cake and eat it, too, and in this instance you would be baking one and providing them the fork to eat it with.

Friends do not sleep together, they do not carry on traditions you had in your relationship, they do not joke about being together, they don’t send good morning/goodnight texts and they probably don’t call each other on their way to the office either. Like I said, no contact will make these boundaries feel easier, and while in the beginning it will feel like you are stepping on your own heart, the hardest part of breakups is creating a new routine.

Resist the urge to update them on how your presentation went, don’t check in on how their brother’s dog is doing and you really don’t need to hear all the stories from their annual guys trip back to their alma mater. I promise you, you’ll create a new routine, invite new people in your life and soon their bi-annual Instagram update will be more than enough info for you. In fact, I’m excited for the day you scroll by them as if they were someone from high school you don’t care about but feel bad for unfollowing.

At the end of the day, you know yourself best and it is truly up to you if you try to maintain some sort of relationship with them.

While I’m an early 20-something, I will leave you with a couple things I have learned as a hopeless romantic who falls easily in the age of online dating and hookup culture. Firstly, you will never heal by going back to what hurt you. The sad truth is, just because we can see the good in someone, doesn’t mean that is who they actually are.

Secondly, missing someone doesn’t mean you should get back together with them. The universe will keep placing the same person in different bodies into your life until you learn how to fully love yourself and fix your own toxic fears, or attachment issues.

Thirdly, closure doesn’t come from someone else, it comes from within. Sure, it’s nice to have an “exit talk,” but that doesn’t mean the truth will come out, it just means you got the final word, and that is not necessary to move on — sometimes healing at a distance is the best thing.

Lastly, there will always be someone else and you will make even better memories with them. Stop giving your love to people who take it for granted when there is someone waiting patiently to fill your cup in return.